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26. anxious

Category: job

I took out my deck of cards and played a few games of solitaire. It helps me relax, to do something with my hands, to have a clear and achievable task in front of me. It wasn’t until my third round of the game that a realization occured, here I am finding comfort in solving fake problems. Solitaire is a game of solitude, solving a simple problem with the same end result: an organized deck of cards. How much of my life is like that?

I am feeling anxious – guilty that I haven’t written in a while, knowing the reasons are valid ones. I started a new job, a relationship came to an end, a season came to an end, and a world is learning to live in the “new normal.”

I live alone so there is no one to see, but I am anxious quite often. I slow down now to notice it. Anxiety feels like a slow moth landing on you, one you know you are very allergic to and if it somehow touches your skin by accident that you will break out into hives and discomfort. So when it lands on you, the solution is to become very, very still. To be very still and to observe it. To watch where this little moth goes… if it starts inching towards skin contact, you may gently move to nudge it away from doing that. Then after a while, the moth will fly away – it goes away. That is how I notice anxiety as a feeling. I watch it like a visitor with dire consequences if I am not mindful of its arrival and careful to watch that it doesn’t make skin contact which would cause a chain reaction of more unpleasant things. Being still for a moment is the small price to pay in this instance.

Anxious about work:

Being an experienced hire, I feel like there are expectations of me. Sometimes my manager mentions things she wants me to be accountable for. Just taking accountability from her. It’s strange because sometimes it feels like she looks at me like Google, that she can just say solve this and that the magic search will render a solution. But building out company processes takes time, it takes research, expertise, and consideration. I can’t just build you a whole operation system because you asked, I need to understand what was tried before, what didn’t work and why, what solutions or platforms can help serve the purpose, the risk involved or costs. It isn’t a question of if it can be done, but how. How are we going to do this? I don’t know, but I can certainly find out if that is a priority for us.

Anxiety I know comes because one feels unequipped to deal with their reality. But I have everything that I need and what I don’t have, I know I can get it with some patience, perseverance, and study.

Anxious about my relationships:

Do he like me? Yes. Next question.

Anxious about the season:

Who the heck is going to help me take out my 50lb air conditioner now? Lol no seriously.

And do I have all the warm clothing that I need? Do I have everything that I need?

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